Every circumstance that begins in life has an end date. I struggled with this concept, as my mind remembers very well all the areas in my life that could do better and never fails to remind me. This is particularly painful on busy days of un-showered, everyone needs me to do something for them yesterday, the toilet looks disgusting and the sink is full of dishes that need to be cleaned. Along with this, as the pattern usually plays out, my social media feed is full of ecstatic people posting visual treats of the lovely beaches, food, parties and other feel-good memories. This is not a one-time event, but has been a constant in my life for a while, and seemingly this has no end date, making it harder to understand the concept.
Somewhere during my despair to understand this pattern, I was presented with a powerful statement by Anita Moorjani that stuck a chord in my heart. “Everything in life is a gift. If it does not feel like a gift, you are not at the end yet.” This truth, was the opening I needed and as the door to this truth opened, I began questioning myself, why I was feeling down looking at such social media presentations. Hold on, lets backtrack to a tiny little emotion before this question. Yes, I was not feeling good about where I was in that moment, but louder and clearer than all of this was the envy in me shrouding me with her judgement and calling me names and accusing me of being guilty for feeling her, and telling me that it was all because I was a bad unworthy person. This heaviness of envy, guilt, regret and judgement was a deadly combination, releasing an anger in me, that lashed out at anyone and everyone silently.
It is so easy to let oneself be consumed by all the thoughts, feeling, emotions and judgements that arise from moment to moment when they are not questioned. Our mind connects these into stories that we tell ourselves and eventually start believing them as the truth. I have many such stories that run through me, that I only started to become aware of when I questioned them. These stories are different for everyone, and when you become aware of it, you realize that the story you were telling yourself is directly related to the trauma or hurt you were trying to heal in a very convoluted way.
One of the stories, I often told myself was that the people I noticed social media were luckier and smarter than me. I deserved all that I was feeling because I had made bad choices and I have to lie in the bed I have made. How dare I even try to expect to experience the happiness being portrayed through the pictures I was seeing, because I was not a nice person. My mind told me repeatedly that I all those amazing things were not happening for me because I was not worthy. Gradually, it grew darker. Being raised in the Hindu culture, Karma was a big part of everything in my life. My mind was excited to use this concept of Karma to explain to me all the ways I deserved every hurt, trauma, broken relationship and unworthiness. It spun stories of my past lives where I was the miscreant creating all these emotions and ruining people, accumulating debt that I am now born to pay back. This was the absolute truth to me, as I started retreating from living. I experienced tremendous amount of guilt believing that I was a bad person. As a mother, the worst was when my mind brought up a sentence “Sins of the father” which I took to mean that me having been such an awful person in my previous lives and having created so much hurt in my current lives, my children would have to bear the brunt of it. The best and worst in all of this was that I have no confirmation or memories of my past lives. The mind using the gift of imagination spun these dark tales of gore and glory. I was scared of being a mother to my children. I spent hours, days and months seeking forgiveness, and release for my children. I begged, bargained, pleaded with the eternal source for safe harbor and a sanctuary for my children. I was scared to discuss about them or about anyone. I was afraid to speak, for what if I created more trouble and grief for my loved ones. I did not know who to turn to for help. For the first time I felt truly and sincerely alone. These were the darkest days of my life, the dark night of my soul.
There is peace in the statement that everything that happens in life is preparing you for what you have to face sometime in life. Years before the dark nights of my life, I had gravitated to and unbeknownst to me started watching ‘Goalcast’ videos. They were short and very inspiring. The stories told here were always that of real-life, real people overcoming an obstacle and becoming a better and more successful version of themselves. I did not know back then, but this was definitely divine Grace preparing me for what was to come. I was not aware back then of the difference between plans and divine plans, existing and living, religion and spirit, me and we. Naturally, when divine plans caught up to my existence, my light went dark.