I entered the chiropractor’s office with much hurt and pain, twisted and hunched over. They took me into the x-ray room and completed the initial check-up. As she studied at my x-ray, she explained that my spine was trending towards arthritis and there still was hope for recovery. She gave me and adjustment and asked me to come back in a couple of days, for a detailed explanation of the treatment plan.
This was not my first gig, spirituality on one side, as long as I exist in this human body and form it needs to be taken care of, and it usually costs money. Chiropractors are wonderful, they are also expensive. If you don’t find the right one, you could pay a lot of money and still not feel all that well. The only Chiropractor that has been helpful, had quit me as her patient and for personal reasons, I think she closed her practice and moved on, about three years ago. This had left me once in agonizing pain and the Chiropractor I had found confirmed my beliefs about them and I had stopped visiting one. After all these years I felt I am back at square one, only this time having the benefit of reading the teaching of many spiritual teachers and having started to work on my belief system.
As I left her office, armed with the possibility of having to pay thousands of dollars for my care, I noticed all the thoughts coming at me. The most common ones by now I had started to recognize, were the ones that told me if only I had not lifted that heavy bag, I would not be in this predicament and could have saved money. The next one called me foolish for believing the angels really helped. Another one, showed me hunched over like an old woman and being a burden on my caregivers. The thoughts were abundant in showing me all my follies, mistakes, ugliness and despair. I let them. For once, I took a breath of courage and allowed them to speak. I told them I was going to hold space for all of them, so every thought had a chance to voice its opinion and feel acknowledged. This process was no longer new to me. I had been this for a few years now, and gradually, extremely slowly reached this place where I could become the witness without emotion.
If you are new to this process, let me tell you it is not pleasant, nor is it meant to be. Consider this as pouring hot wax over your most sensitive and intimate areas and stripping it of its original occupants. This is the process of unlearning. The longer you stay with it, a familiarity blooms between you both. You come to realize that these thoughts are just trying to protect you in their earnest form and the easiest way is the way of fear. Every thought that spoke to me was showing me a horrible outcome. There was no way the thought knew for sure or a fact that the outcome was the truth, but it spoke strongly, using fear to sure it was heard. F.E.A.R – False evidence appearing real. I had learnt this acronym for fear and used it as a sacred mantra to acknowledge, honor and release every thought from its torment.
I spent the next couple of days, in this mode of witness, acknowledge, and release. It was soon time to go back to the Chiropractors office for a detailed explanation of my treatment and progress. I was still in pain and twisted, sitting made everything so much worse, and I had learnt by now that this physical pain is just like my mental thoughts, crying out for attention and love. I did the only thing I know to do anymore, pray. My version of prayer is different every day. The one that brings me most comfort is closing my eyes and talking with the universal source of everything, sometimes I call it God, on other days Universe, Divine mother, or any form of energy that brings peace when I say its name. I prayed that this time, my false beliefs be cleansed from me and the highest good be done for both me, my family and the Chiropractor who was going to gift me with healing. I thanked God for allowing us to pay her monetarily for this gift and to bless this exchange of energy, and I surrender to whatever the outcome of this experience was. I did not know what else to ask for. I talked to my husband, who gently told me, that there was nothing to discuss, and I should stop trying to convince myself that I needed help.
I stepped into her office, and listened as she pitched her practice, work and all the benefits, I would receive from this, and also gently use the fear that if I chose not to, I might go on to develop arthritis in my back that could only be fixed by surgery. I sat in the chair, and received into me the message that she can help and acknowledged the fear she presented, thanked it and released it as I set up all the appointments to help my spine and muscles relearn how to move in harmony.
This chapter or story concludes for now. The closure of this story is it took almost four weeks of twice a week visits and multitude of stretches, and exercises to reach a point where, sitting now feels better and the best part is putting on my socks is a whole lot easier. Thanks, you all for staying with me on this journey!