This was written on March 5, 2020. After ages of pondering I decided that it is as good a time to start journaling as any. There are many things I want to express, sometimes an overload of emotions want to be expunged.
The past few days I have been watching Ted talks on Youtube regarding the subject of conversing with the Universe and the signs Universe sends you. This is a mtter close to my heart. I love learning about this and listening to these various speakers talk about their experiences made my feelings and experiences validated.
For many months now I have been thinking about my grandfather who passed away 21 years ago. I wish I could write that I was close to him and I had great converstations with him. Truth be told, I really do not know much about him. He was paralyzed and many memories of him are of him resting on the bed and watching cricket. My grandparents both lived in the basement apartment of our house, as I was growing up. I was too young to understand much of what was happening back then. He loved cricket and sometimes when I came back home from school, he would be watching cricket. Most evenings he would climb up the stairs, come sit in the front of our house and watch people. Somedays, he would use a cane or maybe a crutch and go for a walk. I would meet him half-way as I made my way back home from school. I vaguely remember walking a couple times with him. What I do remember as I got older is that he had an affectionate smile, and iron will. He used to be the Principal of a school before his paralysis and using his iron will and grace of God, he learned slowly how to become somewhat mobile and also use his left hand to learn how to write again. What I do know for sure is I loved him, I loved to see his toothy smile.
Everytime I discuss my moving to America, my mother reminds me, how my grandfather was saddended by this and begged her not to send me so young alone, to such a far country. She tells me he used to cry telling her this. I think she relishes in this detail, so it emphasizes my attitude at the time of leaving. My grandfather passed away Dec 9, 1998 and I left for the US Dec 27, 1998. At the time of departure, all I wanted to do was leave. I was thinking only about how painful it was for me to stay with my parents anymore, nothing else mattered. There is an entire backstory to my leaving, but that is for a different post. I take full responsibility of not being able to be there for my grandmother, or my mother or brother. The 13th day of his death, there was a ceremony for him, and I remember some relatives saying how my Grandfather did not want to complicate my leaving, so he passed away before I could leave. This made my mother so sad and she was crying, and instead of comforting her, I remember being angry with her and my father playing peacemaker between us. I left adding to her grief and sorrow. Years later now, when I place myself in the shoes of my mother, I can see how my departure can be viewed as an ultimate betrayal and loss she had to bear. Her feeling on this unresolved grief seem valid and I wish for her to heal.
The past few years these events have often come to my memory and I started talking to my grandfather. I asked him if he is now ok with me living here in US, and if he is healed and all is well with him, to send me a sign. I asked him to send me a Cricket Bat, as a sign. I have waited months and I did not get anything remote to this as confirmation of his well-being. A few days ago, I told him, maybe it truly is difficult to send a Cricket bat to a country that loves baseball, so I would be ok if he just sent me a dollar. Since, I now know that there are no coincidences, the following event made me take a double take. I just so happened to be reading a book, a couple days after asking for a dollar, in which the author wrote that her mentor Rabbi was a wonderful person and he would give everyone who sought him out for advice a dollar. As I finished reading this I questioned myself if this was my sign? I asked for a dollar and a Rabbi handed out a dollar to all that sought his counsel. I told my Grandfather “Thatha, I don’t know if that was from you, so forget about a dollar, send me 1 dime, I’ll know you are ok and be more at ease.”
I waited and waited for my dime. Everywhere I went I looked and searched the floor, the shelves, the road, my car, my seat, to find my dime. However, I did not find my dime and I was kind of dissapointed. I convinced myself that I did not find my dime because I am expecting to find it and that is not how the Universe sends signs, and there was always the next day. There is always hope!
I woke up today morning and remembered the weird dream I had last night. In my dreams I was at some place and I remember running into a mother and daughter. They seemed familiar in the dream, but now I cannot remember who they were. I was admiring the daughter and telling the mother what a wonderful child she is and the daughter tells me to hold my hand out and dropped 5 shiny dimes into it. Atleast, this is the way I remember the dream when I woke up. I had my dime I had asked for, infact I had 5 of them. I still do not understand the significance of 5 dimes, but I am happy to receive them and I will treasure this dream.
My grandfather is ok, he is watching over me and my children, and family. I am forgiven, by his grace, and can now forgive myself for my actions. I dont know what all my Grandfather had to do to bless me with the 5 shiny dimes in my dreams, but I am sincerely grateful to him. I miss him dearly, I admire him, I thank him for being my grandfather and I will always love him. Untill I see you again Thatha, goodbye!