March 6, 2021
Let’s continue this story! I finally accepted that no matter what I visualized or thought about in a positive manner, the material reality I was facing was that the muscles in my back had contracted without release and my spine and hips were twisted and unable to fix themselves. This was the truth of my density in this moment. In the midst of all this pain, what surprised me was a tiny whisper that kept insisting that this may be a good thing, a good event and something good was going to unfold.
As I tried to continue with my day, I began to notice the differences and similarities this event presented when compared to the past. Usually, when my back was out of alignment in the past, I noticed that my days were spent in anger, as I suffered in silence putting on a brave front, not complaining but making sure my actions spoke louder than any words. I would close the dishwasher a little loud, sigh more, and carry on as if the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I had two young kids to take care of, who would feed them, bathe them, play with them and take care of them? I would ask myself over and over again, only to answer myself, me. I did not want to burden my husband their father by asking for his help. The children were my responsibility, he already had so much going on, he put in long hours at work to keep us clothed and fed. He fixed all the broken apparatus in the house and garden. I on the other hand had the luxury of staying home, I had to re-pay his kindness somehow. Where I had picked up this way of thinking and where it came into my awareness in unknown to me. My husband is a gentle giant of a man, kind and big-hearted, never one to care or keep track of how much money was spent and where it was spent.
What I did not realize back then is I had a deep wound within me around my own self-worth that manifested into all modes of wrecking behaviors. I carried on days, hoping someone would help me with the kids, never asking for it and doing everything for them and all others I felt responsible for. If not me who else? I never took the time to question myself if I was happy doing all this or if I was passionate about all this? I just knew I had responsibilities. I remembered St. Alfreda, my Guides mentor in middle school telling me “Sapna, you are very responsible!” in a tone of admiration. Somehow this entered my psyche as I will be admired as long as I am responsible, so I was. So much so that, I took care of everyone above and beyond the boundaries of responsibilities, all would be happy as long as I was taking care of everything. I have applied this belief into every relationship I have ever been in. Motherhood was the ultimate test of responsibility. I was a responsible mother.
In hindsight, everything you do is presented with clarity. Standing here in this moment, I understand now the teaching that the only answer the Universe has for all your requests is “Yes”, because the Universe wants for us what we want for ourselves. Remember how I explained my wound? I wanted to be responsible, because I thought it admirable. The kind Universe put in my path an abundance of people, events and circumstances to be responsible for. A summary of my life’s responsibilities includes being responsible for my parent’s disappointment and sorrow in being physically separated from them by living thousands of miles away. I was responsible for falling in love for the wrong reasons and causing more grief to my parents’ honor. I was responsible for all the grief caused to this boy’s parents and sister for chasing after him and not being worthy of him and almost ruining their lives. I was responsible for my own destruction and loss of all friendships because of my anger towards these people in my life. I was responsible for finally finding love and marrying a White boy and thus permanently living far away from my parents and family in India. The more I took responsibility as worthy of admiration, the number of events to feel this increased in my life. An abundance of responsibility was created! I was blessed with exactly what I wanted.
Finally, after fifteen years of being blessed with a weakness in my spine, I realized that it was only here to show me my unhealed wound. While the Universe gave me what I wanted, its infinite love and Grace were presenting me with numerous opportunities to pay attention to the root cause of the wound, so it can be healed. Every single time my back went into misalignment was a missed opportunity for me to heal the wound of self-worth. Now, I understood this and decided to just treat myself with compassion for being in pain and working so hard. I had to unlearn being angry with myself for “having done something stupid and throwing my back out.” This was divine intervention, and those unemployed angels really did help me and answered my prayers I prayed while lifting the bag of salt. Salt which is considered sacred in many circles and used to ward of negativity had become my source of healing.
On a painful Saturday morning of Feb 6, 2021, I finally stood accepting the ending of my journey in the course of responsibility and unlearning all the false ideals and beliefs I had attached to this concept that led me down a road of overwhelming hardships and began a new journey of learning the true meaning of responsibility. It begins with me, not my parents, children, brother, husband or any other relationship. I am responsible only for myself, my thoughts, my actions and deeds. This was and is my help from the unemployed angels. Thank you for listening to my prayers and helping me, in the kindest way. I set a new intention that morning, find a chiropractor for my highest good and theirs. I was going to search for a list of chiropractors in the area and notice who I was drawn to. I asked for help again from this invisible source. As I was scrolling through my Facebook feed, an Ad popped up for a valentines’ Day special with Dr. Andrea at Align Life offering a diagnosis, massage and adjustment. The moment I saw it I knew this could only be a synchronicity, because I had done all the asking and talking in my quiet space without Alexa or Google’s AI knowledge. I messaged them and she wrote back within a few minutes asking me to come in on Monday morning. I know that something good is unfolding and the journey of healing has begun. Thank you, Universe! Thank you, Angels! Thank you, God!